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LAST REVIEWED 20 July 2023

How to cope with the death of a loved one - advice for young people

Losing a relative, a friend or someone else you are close to can be really painful. To help you stay in control of your feelings, the Good Thinking team provides three simple tips and links for further support.

First of all, please remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel when someone dies – everyone deals with grief differently. You might feel upset, confused, scared, lonely or numb. If you’ve lost a parent or carer, you might be worried about who will look after you. And if it was a sudden death, you might feel shocked, angry and perhaps even guilty that you couldn’t say goodbye properly.

Make sure you keep communicating with your family and friends – tell them how you feel, share memories of your loved one and don’t be afraid to ask any questions you might have. Even if they are grieving too, they’ll want to support you and they’ll appreciate being able to confide in you too.

You could also reach out to a teacher, your GP or another adult you trust. If you’d prefer to speak to someone anonymously, there are lots of specialist bereavement helplines you can call, text, email or chat with online. If you’re feeling completely overwhelmed and think you might harm yourself or someone else, please call your local NHS 24/7 mental health helpline . If you need immediate medical attention, call 999.

As well as talking about how you feel, it can be helpful to express yourself in other ways. Could you write a letter, a poem or a song? Make a photo album, a memory box or a playlist? Cuddle your pets or draw a picture?

The main thing to remember is that you don’t have to put on a brave face – it’s OK to feel sad, angry and to cry. It’s also OK to smile and laugh when you’re remembering your loved one and it’s OK to have fun with your friends again.

The time immediately after someone has died can be particularly distressing. In the weeks and months that follow, you can expect to go through various stages of grief, including:

Denial (e.g. “This isn’t happening to me”, “It can’t be true”)
Anger: (e.g. “How could they abandon me?”, “Why couldn’t the doctors save them?”)
Bargaining: (e.g. “It’s my fault...”, “Maybe they will come back if I...”)
Depression: (e.g. “I don’t feel like doing anything”, “I’m not hungry”, “I can’t sleep”)
Acceptance : (e.g. “They died but I’m going to be OK”, “I have to get on with my own life”)

You’ll probably find that you go in and out of these different stages over time and that certain feelings return on special dates, such as birthdays and anniversaries.

Grief Encounter , The Mix and YoungMinds provide lots more advice to help you cope with grief, including stories by other young people who have lost a loved one.

It can be easy to forget to look after yourself when you’re grieving. Try to eat healthily even if you don’t feel hungry. Stick to your normal routine if you can and try to get enough sleep. Do some light exercise, even if you feel exhausted.

Try to do something each day that makes you feel good, whether that’s walking your dog, watching a funny film or calling a friend for a chat. If you’re finding it hard to concentrate on your schoolwork or other things, break it down into small chunks. And try to avoid using alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy habits to block out the pain.

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